When the Centre falls apart. Navigating the Complexities of Grief
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By Omolola Olakunri
‘The worst pain is when the person who gave you the best memories becomes a memory. ..’
It took ten years after my Father passed to be able to talk about him without my voice quavering or my eyes welling with tears. He was that special.
His demise was like a hit job. Someone, somewhere deciding that the only way to disintegrate our very happy family was to take out the common denominator, the one person who held it all together.
We were always a picture of love and unity, attending social events together, laughing at each others jokes, strutting in our elegant aso ebi’s, radiating contagious love. Despite sharing six mothers among us thirteen children, Dad’s presence kept us knit together.
When he passed away at 69, it was like a volcanic eruption. Spewing lava everywhere in its wake. With everyone scrambling for safety.
In my grief, I turned to Abba and asked why. Why he had to leave, why the world continued as if nothing earth-shaking had happened. Birds still chirped, and the sun still rose.
Abba reassured me that human beings feel the loss of attachment, but He, our Eternal Father, would never leave nor forsake us. He explained that He had set everything in order at Creation. Genesis 1:1 and everything runs smoothly by the power of His Word. If He were to constantly disrupt divine order anytime any of His children was hurt, the world would have descended into chaos and confusion.
To show He understood grief, He told me to take a walk in the garden. With new eyes, I noticed that most of the plants had lost their vibrancy. Their flowers drooped, as if bowing in recognition of something. The air was still, and the heavens above were overcast.
‘See, ‘ Abba said, ‘nature acknowledges your loss and the passing of a great man.’
It’s been 22 years since Dad passed. We still gather to celebrate him, play his favorite Harry Belafonte songs, and acknowledge the extraordinariness of the gift we once shared. Decades have past, yet we still mourn the fact that the person we still so badly want to have conversations with is no longer with us. We still miss his counsel.. Not quite being the same again, but embracing the new version of ourselves and adapting to the best of our ability..
Grief is such a personal experience, with everyone’s journey unique, regardless of duration or intensity.
When Samora Machel, the first President of Mozambique, was killed in a helicopter crash, his widow, Graca, wore black for ten years as a symbol of her grief and loss.
Jacqueline Kennedy wore her pink Chanel suit stained with the blood of her assassinated husband, President JF Kennedy, for the whole day, including the swearing-in of Lyndon B. Johnson as the new President, and the helicopter ride back to Washington.
Coretta Scott King became the widow of Martin Luther King at age forty. She did not remarry, choosing instead to pour her grief into preserving and honoring her husband’s legacy of nonviolence. With her as arrowhead, a National Day was approved in his memory.
Schweta Surekha, 35, jumped from the fifth floor of an apartment block in India in 2008.
She took the extreme step of grief following the death of her husband, Anand Surekha.
She simply broke the bathroom windows and jumped. Refusing to live life without her husband..
There are many who are not as famous, or as celebrated but whose grief is not less worthy. Many refuse to remarry because their tragedy is too profound and their grief too overwhelming. Others have built little shrines in their home with pictures and candles of loved ones as a reminder that they once walked the earth, and are never forgotten..
Grief can lie dormant for a season and return with a vengeance at the sound of a particular song, the fragrance of a cologne, a particular meal…and suddenly the tears start again.
Someone who still smiled just five minutes before is suddenly overcome and sobbing uncontrollably at a memory.
There’s a quote that likens grief to glitter: swept up immediately, but months later, pieces show up in unexpected places.
The Bible offers context on grief, talking of hope and a future reunion. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 says, ‘But we don’t want you to be uninformed, dear brothers and sisters, about those who have died, so you may not grieve as others do, who have no hope.’ John 14:1-3 says, ‘Do not let your heart be troubled. In my Father’s house are many mansions. I go to prepare a place for you.’
These verses reassure us that there will be a reunion in Christ and that death is not permanent.
The Quran also emphasises that death is a certainty for all and a transition to the afterlife, where individuals will be judged and ultimately reunited with their loved ones in paradise or hell.
While Faith offers comfort and a beacon of light and hope, professional support can also help guide one through the murky terrain of dealing with loss..
Grief counsellors exist to help channel trauma in ways that will eventually heal the broken soul. This is particularly significant as society’s expectations around grief can be limiting and dismissive. The idea that there should be a timeline or right way to grieve is damaging and cruel.
The diagnosis of a Prolonged Grief Disorder, a ‘mental health condition characterized by intense, persistent grief reactions following the death of a loved one, significantly interfering with daily life and functioning’ is minimising loss.
In essence, Science is saying one should not take too long to grieve about someone whose passing away basically shattered one’s existence. There sits the innuendo that in grieving a loss, one should not lose one’s self in the process.
Sadly, Grief does not ask for permission to turn lives upside down. It just can. Regardless of status… Nor does it check a clock. It simply is. We can all try and work towards providing a loving, environment for those grieving.
What we owe ourselves and each other is compassion.
The kind that stays long after the flowers have withered.
This way, we can help those mourning to navigate their unique journey.
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a very apt and on point masterpiece , identifying with those who have suffered a profound loss of someone very dear , explaining & expressing some of the associated feelings that come with it , trying to find the logic in it all while life seems to go on … but above all showing that if you are in this situation … you are not alone .