When Your Kindness Becomes Their Salary. How I learned to give without becoming an ATM.
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by Omolola Olakunri.
It started with ‘Aunty, just this once.’
Then it became ‘Aunty, na you I get.’
Now at the 28th of every month, my phone rings like NEPA bill: predictable, unavoidable, and always demanding payment.
‘Good morning ma. How’s your day going?’
Translation: Where’s my alert?
God will bless you Ma. You are my destiny helper.’
Translation: I’ve already spent it in my head.
I didn’t sign up to be anyone’s salary. I signed up to help.
But somewhere between ‘just this once’ and ‘na you I get’, my compassion got a job description it never applied for. Then it got heavier, the staff member who collects salary on the 25th, then asks for advance on the 2nd. ‘Ma, something came up.’ By the 10th it’s ‘Ma, please can I borrow 50k, I’ll pay back with next salary.’
Next salary comes, they collect full salary. Advance plus loan gone. And the cycle starts again on the 2nd.
The relative pregnant with her fifth child. She looks me in the eye and says, Aunty, you have to pay for the CS. If not, I might lose my life.
That’s when you realize: this is no longer help. This is hostage taking with tears.
The worst part? The day I cannot be of assistance, because of my own challenges, and of juggling several balls in the air, the same mouth that called me ‘ a blessing’ called me’ selfish’.
The same hands that collected with ..’God bless you’ now tell people that I have changed.
That’s when I had an epiphany, when kindness becomes someone’s salary, gratitude dies. Entitlement is born.
And here’s the part nobody talks about: it hurts.
It hurts to hold back sometimes. It hurts to see struggle and walk away. My moral compass doesn’t rest easy. I’ll stare at my phone, thumb hovering over the ‘Send’ icon. Chest tight. I Remember that I grew up in a home where my Father was such a giver. How my faith encourages giving, and how walking away from need feels like I’m failing at being human.
However certain lessons have to be learnt. And they can’t be learnt with other people’s money. Some have to be asked about how much they have to contribute to their own business plan. Not because you cannot fund it all, but you are afraid that catching them all the time will not allow them build their own safety net.
Some will not change until the alert stops coming and they have to look at the hole they dug themselves in..That’s when clarity hits. That’s when ‘Aunty will save me becomes I need to save myself, and ‘ I need to have a plan.
That’s when privilege becomes gratitude again.
So I did something radical. I stopped.
Not because my heart went cold. But because my door needed to be a door again, not a salary payment point. Now I give. But I give like rain, not salary.
Unpredictable. Unexpected. A blessing, not a bill.
I slam the door first. Hell no. Because I’ve seen this play out too many times.
Then I do the self-retrospect. I crack it open again, but I leave the security chain on.
I help. I still help. Just not on demand. Not on schedule. Not because guilt is driving. The people who truly appreciate and make it a point of duty not to sound like a broken record are still around. They try. Sometimes I watch from afar as they refuse to contact me, and struggle to fix their challenges themselves. They understand the dangers of over reliance. When I asked how they funded the blood transfusion for their sickle cell child, their answer broke me me..They simply said, they could not kill me with their issues..They sold the freezer in the small shop they own.
The people who wanted a salary? They left. And that’s okay . The truth is this:
My kindness is not Federal government allocation. It’s not monthly subvention.
It’s a gift. And gifts are given, not demanded. So will keep my door chain on.
Hell no first, because I’ve seen this movie too many times.
Then yes, when my compass says so. Because I’m still human. The day you call me selfish for protecting my peace?
I’ll smile, and say a prayer. Rain doesn’t apologize for not falling every day.
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There are a lot of gems in this article.
It’s a REAL eye opener for me personally!
abii , abii , I can relate .. it happens here too .
Well , today I give and tomorrow I mightn’t … I let the spirit need , and hopefully I am helping where it’s really needed and the help
Is not taken for granted .